I like to exercise. I admit it. I like the way I look when I get done. I like the way I feel when I am pushing my body. I like the way I focus on one thing while I am exercising unlike the rest of my life, which is a massive effort in multi-tasking. I felt like my exercise had reached a plateau so I started looking for ways to jazz it up a little. That is exercise speak for I’m about to attempt an exercise that will hurt me. I know this but I am going to do it anyway. Because of my attempt to jazz it up, my muscles were sore and stretching was not helping. Time was not healing all wounds. Whatever muscular disarray I had caused was not going away on it’s own. It needed help. A friend suggested I buy one of those foam rollers. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I had actually purchased one a while ago and it was currently being used to plug a hole in my wall.
I first saw it in a fitness magazine. The person in the magazine looked so relaxed when she was rolling. She is a famous athlete so she has a built in credibility. The article stated that this roller worked out all of her sore spots and how wonderful it was. I wanted to look that relaxed after a workout. I look, shall we say, less than content when I am done working out. It has been described by those who have witnessed the phenomenon , as looking like I had been run over by a truck. I have sore muscles and thought I had discovered the mother lode.
The next morning I am ready to have my muscles massaged and all of my sore spots rolled out. I could make a commercial for this thing and I haven’t actually gotten on it yet. I set up my mat and start to roll. It hurts. I stop rolling. I get out the DVD that came with the roller. I pop it in and attempt to follow. It still hurts. It hurts down to the bone hurts. No one on the DVD is grimacing in pain. I am thinking that even though I am doing what the lady on the tape is doing that I am doing something wrong. I am thinking that I am an idiot. I am wondering how smart I need to be so that I can roll over a piece of foam without shooting pains in my legs. Apparently not smart enough, because she is smiling and talking. I am neither smiling nor talking. The words that were coming out of my mouth would not have been considered talking in any universe. I immediately stopped. I am not a no pain, no gain kind of lady. I am more of the some pain, stop immediately, and get a message, kind of lady. So I stopped.
I put the roller away into the pile of best of intentions exercise equipment that I possess. From there it was given a new job. We had some construction going on in our house and the roller was used to plug a hole in a vent so dust didn’t get into the room. It was there for several months. It worked fine and there was no pain involved. My sore muscles continued to be sore. I felt guilty. The poor roller has done nothing wrong and yet it is stuffed in a vent. Months passed and the foam roller had served loyally by plugging the hole. The construction was finished and the roller was out of the wall. It was just sort of laying around staring at me. It’s bright red so it’s not like I could avoided seeing it.
The aches and pain continued. I call a muscle therapist. He is on vacation. I take a quick glance at the roller and decide to call his back up instead. The back up therapist is not available for several weeks. She is trying to be helpful and she suggests that I buy a foam roller because it can work out the soreness. I gleefully tell her that I already have one. She then proceeds right to the “don’t you just love it?” conversation. I have to inform her sadly that I was using it incorrectly because it hurt. Badly. She starts to laugh and catches herself. Then she informs me in her best yogi, we are all one humanity voice, that it does hurt and it often hurts badly. She tells me that you roll over the sore spots and you keep rolling over them. When the muscles are stretched out the pain goes away and you move on to the next group. This was nowhere on the package, in the DVD or on any of the instructions. I was shocked. Surely, someone, somewhere, at some point in time would have thought that this warranted a mention, a blip or a remark. Nope, it didn’t happen. I was delighted. I thought I was an idiot. I decided to give it another try.
The next morning my roller and I are ready to go. I place it gently on the mat and proceed to roll. It hurts. It hurts badly. It keeps hurting and I keep rolling through it. If anyone every makes a video of me using this roller I will be famous and not in a good way. As it turns out I am so not graceful using this piece of equipment. Here’s a fun fact. Rollers are round and surprise, they roll. Here’s another fun fact. I am not round. When I roll on the roller, I fall off. It’s not exactly falling. It’s more like thumping. Actually it’s more like thump, thump, followed by a thud. In order to not roll off, I have to hold my upper body up using my arms, which are bent behind me. This is a picture that will set the exercise field back twenty years. You will never, ever see this on an exercise video. Appropriately, it was also missing from the DVD. I suspect it was with the part of the instructions that mentions pain. It would have frightened the viewers. None of the instructors rolled themselves off. Not one of them made the thump, thump thud sound. That discovery understood, I continue to roll. I start to sweat. Profusely. I am waiting for the relaxing part to start. The pain starts to subside. It never feels good. It is a hard foam roller. I have no idea how those lovely folks on the DVD did this smiling. My mind immediately thinks that perhaps they are on something. They have given me no indication of this. They are not slurring their words or tripping over themselves. It is me. I am just convinced that no normal human can roll on this thing and smile and so naturally my mind goes to illegal drug use. Alrighty then.
It took me about fifteen minutes to roll out my whole body. After I was done I stretched. My stretches didn’t hurt. They stretched and they stretched deeply. This painful thing actually worked. My muscles were less sore. I did it again a few hours later being sure to roll several times over the sore spots or as I like to call them the no pain, no gain spots. The muscles responded even quicker than the first time. It still does not feel good but it works. I completed the routine. I was not smiling but I wasn’t cursing either. Even when your muscles aren’t sore the roller does not feel good. I have been telling my kids for years to aim high. This roller is the equivalent of aiming really low. This is clearly aiming for the ground instead of the stars.
A few weeks later, Hubby’s birthday was upon us. I had gotten his gifts and ordered his cake. The night before I happened to be in a bookstore picking up a book for my son for school. I always check the exercise section. It is a moderate obsession. If the folks who sell exercise stuff that is “just for TV” ever want a review, I am their go-to gal. There was a container with these two small vinyl balls. It is a system for helping sore muscles. This system was developed by a dancer. You put the balls under the sore area and lay on them. Then you breathe deeply. This is not a complicated system. I can do this. I wanted to buy one for myself. After reading the literature on the package it made sense to me. After thoughtful consideration I decided to buy one. I really wanted to try this system after my great success with the foam roller that I have affectionately dubbed the roll of torture. I bought one, wrapped it and gave it to hubby. He may eventually try it. I have used it a dozen times. After using the roll of torture, I use the nice soft squishy balls. I love the soft squishy balls. They are like a soothing massage, especially after using the roll of torture. I try to use the roll of torture and the soft squishy balls the same way I exercise, by myself, and in a slightly dark room. I am not a gym gal. I don’t dress to sweat. I don’t chat while exercising. My children know this. They ignore me while I am exercising. It is an agreement that we have. For some reason, my son has decided to walk in the room while I am using the lay on the balls and breathe system, and wants to know why I am laying on the floor? He felt the need to point out that I looked semi –ridiculous .He did not realize that I was using the soft squishy balls.
“I am laying on Dad’s balls and they are wonderful so move along!” You won’t see that on any DVD either.
