The Train, Train, Cab Method

When you get to be of a certain age, you realize what is important. I am of that age. A woman of your age...” UGH. As a woman of my age, access to a bathroom is high on the list of things that are important. My expectations are not that high where the bathroom experience is concerned. Sometimes we just don't get what we want. I have known this since I was quite young. My parents, like the parents of many of my friends, made a point to tell all of us “You don't always get what you want!” I don't like it, but I do acknowledge that it is true. I honestly never thought it would be relevant to bathrooms. I figured they were talking about the big things in life. I actually thought they were trying to tell me that Prince Charming had failed to stop and ask directions to our house and so he would not be arriving any time soon. The inability to find a proper bathroom in a city of several million was not on the list.

I had to go to the Big City for an appointment. By the Big City I mean New York. Philadelphia is a big city, but if you come from South Jersey, New York is THE Big city. I was going to take a local train to the Amtrak station, then take an Amtrak train to New York, and take a cab to my destination. The train, train, cab method is not the most efficient method but it alleviated the whole issue of driving, parking, tolls, New York drivers and being completely stressed while on your way to the appointment. The one drawback to this method is that it does not meet the standard of having accessibility to a bathroom. Again I know that sometimes we just don't get what we want.

Then hubby offers to drive me. I jump at the chance. I can always explain to hubby the urgency of having to go pee. He may grumble but he will stop. The train conductor does not understand the urgency. As a woman who has ridden trains on a regular basis, the idea of going pee in a moving train while squatting and dressed in a business suit is beyond comprehension. I am not sure who designed the bathrooms in trains, but I can guarantee you that it wasn't a woman. If it was the toilet would be lower to enable a proper squat. They would also have handles to grab onto again to facilitate the proper squat. Yes, I have spent hours thinking about bathrooms on trains but that is another column. The idea of going to the bathroom in Penn station is also a little overwhelming, as I am picturing all of the other ladies who can't squat in a moving train heading toward the bathroom in the station at the same time. This could get ugly fast.

No need to stress about it. Hubby driving takes care of all of the potential bathroom issues. Hubby and I are on the road and all is good. Three hours later we are in New York. We had no trouble getting in the city, no trouble locating the building, and we were an hour and half early so we could go for a cup of coffee somewhere and hang out until thirty minutes before appointment time. This was South Jersey thinking. Apparently in the BIG CITY there are limited parking spaces. That explains why the traffic is so heavy and moves so slow. Everyone who has the nerve to drive into the city is looking for a parking space, pulling into a parking space or beeping their horn. That's it. If you have the unmitigated nerve to slow down because you want to do something as reckless as read a street sign, or look for a parking space, three drivers are leaning on their horns.

We spent thirty minutes driving in circles looking for a place to park. We both have to pee and we can't seem to locate a parking space that is near an actual building with an actual bathroom. At this point, having coffee is just a pipe dream. We pull over and hubby lets me know there is a lovely, large hydrangea bush that is almost the size of a tree. It is definitely large enough for him to go pee in the bush/tree. He's an outdoorsy kind of guy. Me, not so much. The tree/bush is situated right next to open metal gates. I explain to him that the open gates are the entrance to a park and if he pees in the tree/ bush and is spotted he will likely be reported to the police, he will likely be arrested and locked up. I also state my person policy about bailing out people who manage to get themselves locked up in strange cities for peeing in public. He decides to keep looking so we drive around a few more times. As we are passing a big, government looking building with steps and pillars there is a spot right in front. I think the secret is to look quickly. Turn the head fast and then back. If you see the spot, immediately pull in and don't look back. This is our plan. Hubby backs in expertly so we are facing the road. There are no parking meters and no signs stating that this is a no parking area. We have hit the parking mother lode.

When we get to the top of the four flights of steps we realize that this is a courthouse. Mostly because of the sign in the front that reads COURTHOUSE. Hey, it could have been a museum. Rocky could have been running up the steps, except that he wasn't. We ask a nice man in a suit and tie who is headed in the same direction as we are about the parking in front. He gets a look of absolute horror and informs us that we are parked in an immediate tow spot. He would not leave the car unattended. Sufficiently concerned, we decided to take turns going in to pee. If the police show up we will feign stupidity which shouldn't be difficult as it should take a police officer less than ten seconds to figure out that we were just looking for a place to pee. And that we are from Jersey. I went in first. It was special kind of experience to show my identification and walk through the metal detectors to pee. I placed my pocketbook in the bin and walked through. The I managed to walk quickly to the ladies room. It was as large and elegant as the building itself. I finished and headed out so hubby got his turn. He had the benefit of my experience. Leave your wallet, coat and keys. It makes the metal detector experience just fly by.

Soon enough he is back and we are sitting waiting for the police to show up. It is after all a courthouse loaded with police. They drive by but none stop. They walk past but none come over. I want coffee but I can't handle the parking spot stress for round two so we will sit and wait until appointment time. Hubby dropped me off for my appointment. He was not so lucky in the great parking spot search as the first time, but eventually he found one. He drove over when I was done and we headed for the GW Bridge. We stopped on the way back at a coffee place that also happens to have a bathroom. What a concept. The BIG CITY is wonderful place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there. They have a bathroom shortage.