The Cuff of Evil

I have seen the infomercials. I must confess right here and now that I like them. There is one in particular that I love to watch. The two celebrity spokes-people convince me that by using their machine for twenty minutes a day or less, I can get in shape. Really in shape. I visualize. It’s fun to watch. I am inspired. Sometimes fate just takes over your life and the cosmos aligns perfectly. A few days after seeing this infomercial for the hundredth time, I got an opportunity to work out on an actual machine. I loved it. A lot. I decided to look into getting one. This is when kismet reared its beautiful head. Someone wanted to give me a machine. All I had to do was pick it up. Did I want it? I had to keep from jumping up and down and yelling “Ooh! Ooh! Now I can look like a celebrity spokesperson. Ooh! Ooh! Yeah!” I tried to maintain my dignity. As soon as I brought the machine home, I felt my transformation starting. The next morning, I am up at dawn. I am ready to rock, roll and sweat.

I can’t wait to try the leg exercises. This wonderful machine comes with a leg cuff made specifically for leg exercises. I am looking at the picture in the book of the cuff in use. I am holding the cuff in my other hand and. I am confused. I’m not sure that my foot will bend that way. The cuff is winning. After much ado, I get it around my foot. Now there are two metal hoops on the cuff of evil. I hook the pulley up to the hook and start to exercise. I close my eyes, focus on my movement, and visualize myself with well toned legs. At that very same moment, I discover an underlying principle of physics and gym equipment. That is, when your leg is attached to a leg cuff, make sure you hook the correct hook on the pulley because if you don’t you become the projectile in a human catapult. A less obvious lesson, but just as important, is that when you become a human catapult projectile you do not create a pretty picture of self -confidence. Think twisted blob on the floor.

Not being one to give up easily, I released myself from the cuff of evil and determined that I would come back another day to beat the machine. The next morning was a new beginning. Fortunately it was not a leg day. I wouldn’t be using the cuff. The routine went smoothly. I had learned from my mistakes. I went through the book the night before and picked out the exercises and studied the proper technique. I had cut the time of the routine down. I was moving along and feeling just a little bit self confident. Maybe even cocky. Right until another principle of physics hit me. Right in the corner of my face above my eye. A handle under pressure when released springs back and hits you in the face. Ouch. I never saw this on the infomercial. Not once. No one ever got hurt. They worked out. They looked fit and happy. In infomercial land, a big part of working out is looking happy. I try to look happy when I’m working out. I will sometimes catch a glimpse of myself and happy is not the word I would use to describe my facial expression. Now, not only do I not look happy but I am bruised. This is not the look I was hoping for.
The next day will be better. I can feel it. Day three of the workout equipment experience. It has good karma. There will be no injuries today. I put on the cuff of evil and start my routine. I am moving along at a good pace. I am nearly finished. I have come through unscathed. I have met the cuff and it is mine. I have won. It is official. I am now a person who works out. I have the credentials. I can say that in conversation.

One last piece of scientific knowledge and I may have this working out situation down pat. Workout shorts slide off of padded gym equipment. I never saw that in any workout article either. I don’t think of it as one large accident waiting to happen. Instead I try to think of it as a learning experience. No pain no gain!