SCREAMING At the TV Day

Sunday is a day for many things. Some folks go to the beach, some go to church and some families, like my family, spend time screaming at the TV. Every Sunday from August until January the men in my life spend time used to spend time screaming at the TV. When my children were little, I didn't participate in the ritual. As they grew older I decided it was time to embrace it. I have gotten very good at the ritual. I have gotten so good in fact, that my children have asked me to sshhhh. After they sshhhed me, as it that wasn't bad enough, they asked me to just watch the game.

They are claiming now that they just enjoy watching the game. Really? I am convinced they are just jealous of my ability to scream. They are perplexed by my grace under pressure. I can go from zero to screaming in a heartbeat. They have gone as far as to ask me who I am and what have I done with their mother. HA.

Perhaps there is a potential screamer who just needs a little help getting their scream on. In light of that, I have put together a list of helpful hints for others who wish to surpass their partner as a better screamer. Don't hold back. Go all in! Here are my helpful hints:

The basic structure is that there are eleven very large men chasing a very small ball while eleven other very large men chase the first eleven very large men and the same small ball.

There are men on the field who will help keep the twenty two very large men from killing each other. They are known as REFS. They get to carry a whistle and a little yellow flag that can bring twenty two very large men to an immediate stop. Apparently they are all blind.

The men who are in charge of the large men on the field, and yes they are all men, all get to pace, frantically up and down the sidelines wearing headsets. I suspect that they don’t actually talk to anyone but the headsets make them feel important. They are the only men allowed to scream, and point without a penalty.

The only women allowed to witness the ritual are in the stands as spectators, on the sidelines as sportscasters trying to interview the large men about what they did that made their side win or loose even though we just spent three hours watching, or scantily clad women wearing bathing suits and calling themselves cheerleaders. It is crucial to cheer for the team while showing half of your breasts and all of your belly. It is also crucial to flip your head and fling your hair back. It somehow makes the cheering better. Sometimes the twenty two large men are watching the cheerleaders and loose their focus so the large man in charge gets to scream at the large men on the field. It’s a cycle.

Each team has a man called a kicker. None of the other large men are allowed to touch him or tackle him. This is very confusing to them since the rest of the time the large men are supposed to chase and tackle anyone on the opposing team. When they get confused they run around the field like little ants. It’s funny to watch but not if you’re screaming at the TV.

The screamers get hostile when you laugh.

When your team is loosing a screamer must scream louder.

The screamers get more hostile when you laugh if their team is loosing.

The greater the loss gets the louder the screamer must scream.

Each screamer must have one team and only one team that they like. Liking more than one team is punishable by having to watch another game on Monday night.

Screamers do not like to be told that is just a game.

I think that understanding the ritual is a learning process. Getting your scream on is also a process. I started small. I started listening to sports radio. It is supposed to be some sort of serious discussion about the local sports teams as if the results where socially impactful. It makes me laugh. It also helps me to focus my screaming by teaching me about the parts of the game that are discouraging and when is appropriate to scream. You can also tell by when the anchors voice goes up.

Screaming at the TV has another benefit. It is better than watching NASCAR racing. That is the sport dedicated to making left hand turns. All day.