I Never Knew Squirrel Removal Was A Thing

I live in the woods. I have woods on two sides of my house. Those woods are protected wetlands. We used to call it a swamp but now we are fancy. Either way, no one can build in those woods. There are foxes and deer in those woods. I have a family of rabbits that live under the deck, snakes that live under the other deck, and a whole assortment of birds that fly in an out regularly and love our bird feeders.

I grew up in a small town. There were less that 3,000 people in our town and our street was a dirt road. It was a huge deal when the street was paved. There was absolute jubilation when we got gas service and my parents were able to have the gas company run a line to our barbecue. I had an idyllic childhood. My summers were spent climbing trees, riding my bike, swimming and running around barefoot with my cousins. We had squirrels in our yard back then. We had a bunny that weighed 23 lbs. that turned out to be an exotic hare. My father kept adding additions to the rabbit house because the hare kept growing. My Italian grandmother, who lived with us, used to walk around our yard, wearing black, holding her rosary and placing curses on the rabbit/hare. We thought she was trying to kill the hare. The hare lived a long time. I'm pretty sure she was putting a curse on my Mom for marrying her baby. We also had squirrels. We had a garden with tomatoes and peppers as well as beautiful flower gardens. I do not recall any squirrel issues then but maybe I was just too young to remember although I'm quite sure I would have remembered my father hunting squirrels in our backyard.

When my father moved in with us he informed me that he had previously had a squirrel problem. My mother had never mentioned the squirrels or their problems. They lived in a condo. When Dad moved in with us one of the things he brought with him was a bird feeder that belonged to my Mom. We picked out a beautiful spot in the yard. It was a spot that he could look at from the kitchen through the kitchen door which is a large french door. It was beautiful. It lasted about twenty minutes. The first squirrel he saw led him to inform me that the squirrels had followed him from the condo. He was convinced. Apparently he and the squirrels had a long history that I hadn't known about.

My parents had put up the feeder and the squirrels started to enjoy it along with the birds. My father was having none of that and he put Vaseline on the pole holding up the feeder. The squirrels would slide down the pole. He thought he won. Then the squirrels took to running up the side of the deck and jumping on the top of the feeder. Once they got their food, they slid down the pole with the Vaseline using his own cleverness against him. Think furry firemen.

Apparently this made my Mother laugh like hell. I am sorry to have missed this. Then my Father decided what was good for the pole was even better for the top of the feeder. Again, he went to his go to fixer. He got out the Vaseline and covered the top of the feeder with it. The squirrels would run up the side of the deck and jump onto the top of the feeder but instead of landing on the feeder they would slide right off the top and go thump on the ground when they crash landed. My dad thought the squirrels would stop. I'm not sure how he reached that conclusion. I do know why my mother never mentioned this. My mother was a proud woman. How do you explain to your children that their father is trying to cause bodily injury to the squirrels? The squirrels came back as they do and started shaking , and sort of throwing themselves against the pole holding the feeder shaking the food onto the ground. There was nothing my Dad could do. He didn't have a BB gun at the condo. I'm pretty sure he spent years thinking about a BB gun just like the kid in the Christmas Story. He wanted a BB gun under his Christmas tree.

That was then and this was now. I was not going to be a part of the war of the squirrels and told him and my husband right after he casually asked my husband if he had a BB gun. I went out, took out some bird food and put it under the feeder so the squirrels wouldn't have to resort to finding food themselves. All seemed peaceful until this year. The squirrels have returned with a vengeance. They have decided to target our tomato plants. Several tomatoes have been eaten. The hubster had mentioned the squirrels and he had some thoughts as to how he would rid us of those pesky rodents. A BB gun was mentioned. Really. Your go to fixer for the squirrels is to shoot them? I felt the need at this point to explain the obvious. We live in the woods. We moved into their home, not the other way around. We were the invaders even though we have been here for over thirty years. He was having none of it. I have been down this road before. I have reasoned with a man who thinks he should put Vaseline on the pole of a bird feeder instead of putting bird seed on the ground for the squirrels to enjoy. I tried the distraction method. I told him that maybe the moles had eaten the plant. He dislikes the moles in our yard as much as he dislikes the squirrels. I think the aerate the lawn saving him from having to do it. He was having none of it. Apparently the squirrels in the city where he grew up were really nasty squirrels and he was traumatized by the squirrels. Oddly, my Dad grew up in the same neighborhood in the same city as my husband. I never got the details as to how their squirrels were different than the country squirrels that I grew up with.

I knew what had to be done. I had to come up with a solution to clearing out the squirrels without injury so I did what I do, I googled it. What came up was a hundred or so video demonstrations of how to rid your yard of squirrels using Vaseline. It's a thing. I never knew that squirrel elimination with Vaseline was a thing. It's important to learn something new each day. I learned. I also learned that there is a series of videos available on removing moles from your yard using cages. Why can't we all just live together. I want the sixties back. Peace and Love.

I said nothing. I am a woman on a mission. The next day I told him in my most serious voice “I swear I have no idea where the BB's are.” Then I went out and put bird seed on the ground.