The Plant Goddess

I am many things I am a loyal friend and co-worker. I’m a good Mom and a funny writer. I am not a gardener. In some circles, I am not even considered a plant person. Somewhere in the plant kingdom my picture is on a poster with the words “Shoot on Sight”. I have killed more plants than most people own in a lifetime. And sadly is it not always from neglect. I have even managed to kill them with too much care. For those of you who don’t know, you can over water a plant and kill it. It’s called drowning, and I have done that too.

I started my new job with the best of intentions. Work hard, be diligent, and put your best foot forward. These have always been my goals. I thought it was going splendidly. My new co-workers and I hit it off well. We were developing relationships, and moving toward friendships. It was a really pleasant working situation. Then it happened. My co-worker was going away for a few days and left me a note asking me to please remember to water her plant. I almost choked when I read the note. I angered the plant Goddess. I must have done something awful to anger her. I strained my brain thinking what I could have done that would have provoked such a response. I bought some flowers this year. I didn’t mean to upset the Goddess. I don’t usually buy any flowers. Usually hubby buys them and plants them. My job has been to go “oooh” after all the actual planting is done. It isn’t a complicated system but it has worked for us. I don’t touch the plants and in return the plants get to live. This year was different. I was out and saw some flowers on sale and bought a two flats. I only touched them long enough to put them in the car and take them out and hand them to hubby. I promise.

It was too late. The Goddess had made her presence known. I couldn’t in good conscience let my co-worker down either. She was depending on me. I thought about her request for the next few days and decided that maybe it was time for a change. Maybe it is time to show the Goddess who’s boss. This is going to be my shining moment in the plant kingdom. I will dispel all of the rumors about my inadequacies as a plant person. I may even buy a real plant instead of a silk one, but first I have to start by taking my baby steps. I will tend to the plant of a coworker. I am ready. I have visualized the plant growing healthy in my care. It will be a Zen like experience.

The day arrives. It is a rainy, murky day and I am running late. The street where I usually turn is blocked by construction work and detoured around the block. My windshield wipers stop working halfway to work. If I was the kind of person who believed in signs I would turn right around and go home, crawl back into bed, and pull the covers over my head. If I was that kind of person. But I am not. Besides I can’t come with an excuse this close to starting time. “ I won’t be in today because it’s raining, my wipers died, I have to water a plant and I’m superstitious.” It works for me but I don’t think it will work for my boss.

I arrive. My determination to succeed at my plant job is taking over. The adrenaline is starting to flow. I pull myself back and remember that I have an actual job to do. Plant tending is only a bonus. It’s time to get to work. I sense the bad karma of the beginning of the day changing. Things are working. The day passes by quickly. Too quickly. I look up and it’s 2:00. 3:00 arrives just as fast. Then the awful thought that something is wrong. But everything is going so peacefully. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I forgot the plant. Thankfully it is not too late. Plants, I’ve been told, are not like kids. They don’t have to be watered at a particular time. It’s time to pay the piper.

I saunter over to her desk. It’s part of my plan. If I look like I’m a plant person people will assume I am. Sauntering is part of my plant person persona. I ever so confidently pick up the watering can which is full and water the plant, making sure to move some of the leaves out of the way so the water gets to the roots. The soil is sucking up the water. I am almost alarmed by the amount of water it’s taking. Then I notice it. The water is coming out the bottom of the pot and up the sides of the container it’s sitting in. I immediately remove the water can and watch the water rising in the container. And pray. Please plant Goddess let the water stop. PLEASE. The water keeps going. It finally stops 1/4 of an inch from the top of the container. The plant Goddess has heard me and answered. Now I have to live up to her faith in me. I have to empty the water out of the container or the plant will get too much water and die. And I have to do this without looking like an idiot.

There was no graceful way out. There is no way to carry a plant in a large container filled with water past a large group of people and down a hallway while looking graceful. Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt. It wasn’t pretty this time either. At all costs the plant must be saved. I did what I had to do to save the plant. My boss must have wondered why I was carrying a co workers plant down the hallway as he glanced up when I walked past his office. He never asked. I can respect a man in denial. My coworker returned safely from her vacation. The plant survived. I have fulfilled my promise to the plant Goddess. In my moment of weakness when I was praying to her I promised her if she let the plant live I wouldn’t go near a plant again. She did and I won’t. The plant universe is back on track.