I Win

Today was not a particularly good day. We all have crappy days. Sis and I have a little game called I WIN. It’s the dark cloud that follows each of us at some point in time. Who had the worst day? You win! My boss was not happy with my work and held nothing back in letting me know. I win! You get the idea. I got home looking forward to spending the night quietly. I was walking in the house with my lunch box and a car pulled up. I live at the end of a dead end street and cars frequently use the street as a turn around.

I mentioned to hubby that there was a car out front. He is the official car checker person in our household. He accepts this responsibility and does it with enthusiasm. He looks out and sees the car, stopped next to our van. The person is out of the car. He watches to see exactly what they are doing. Hubby is beside himself. They appear to be pooping. He starts yelling that there is a guy pooping on our lot. A few seconds pass and he is still yelling about how much nerve it takes to poop in someone’s yard before he runs out of the front door and yells at the pooper telling them to stop pooping in our yard. Then he realizes that the pooper is a lady. She is wearing pink bedroom slippers. And holding a napkin or toilet paper so that she can wipe herself. I’m not feeling gratitude that she brought proper paper. She is pooping on my lawn. She starts yelling back at him to call the police. She must have been a little nervous. Here she is trying to poop in peace and there comes an irate guy yelling at her. He tells her that he did call the police. Then she starts yelling at him that she isn’t pooping. She’s peeing. Whatever she does she is showing her private parts. Parts that quite frankly don’t need to be in my front yard. She’s yelling back at him that she’s peeing. This was her badge of honor. Hubby is yelling back that she is peeing on our land. Now I understand that this is not the Ponderosa but I am in shock. This woman is peeing on my yard and yelling at hubby. She was miffed.

When did it become okay to pee on someone else’s yard? I missed the announcement. Hey, I went to charm school and I am quite sure that peeing in someone else’s yard was not in approval column. She knew we were home. I looked straight at her while walking up the ramp leading into my house. In order to get to my house she had to pull off a major highway, go a few blocks and turn again down my street. This is not a home you stumble upon. I understand having to pee urgently. We have all had that urge. Some of us have even peed in places that were not completely appropriate. I myself have peed in a men’s room or two. The ladies rooms were full and the men’s rooms were not. I always announced myself and had a lookout posted at the door to warn any unsuspecting guy who might have to go. Most guys are very understanding having girlfriends or wives who have been in my predicament. Concert halls are famous for having a lack of facilities for women. I have never peed on someone’s lawn, someone’s property, or next to their house. I prefer bathrooms. It’s sort of a rule that I have. The pooper/peeer finished her business while hubby was yelling at her to take her parts and go home and pee in front of her own house if she had such a thirst for the outdoors experience. This was a picture in itself. He is yelling at her and she is yelling back while bearing herself in pink bedroom slippers and wiping herself. She brought her own paper. Why didn’t she put that much thought into finding a bathroom that was not in the great outdoors. Hubby finally came back in the house when she got in her car. She pulled backwards, turned her wheel and starting blowing her horn which she did for several minutes in front of my house. She was highly annoyed.
I wondered if the lawn lady would return at night. If she was that miffed she knows were I live. Maybe she has a hubby who also enjoys the outdoor experience. Maybe there are children as well. This whole family could come and just pee intermittently on my yard. What if their real thrill is the after dark outdoor experience. I decided that the whole experience was overwhelming so I went to bed. Done. Go into denial. It’s amazing how television numbs the mind when you need it to. I got up this morning and went to get the paper, and there was a large wet spot on the porch. I looked at my son and he at me. I have seen that same spot every morning that there is dew for 20 years but today was a day of possibilities. I win!